When you are a caregiver for someone, it can be rewarding, but also feel frustrating and overwhelming at times. It’s important that you take care of your own mental health and make time for self-care so the caregiving doesn’t jeopardize your own wellbeing. The term “self-care” is thrown around a lot these days. While self-care does include the obvious things like getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, exercise, and things like bubble baths, self-care can mean a lot more. There are things that are often overlooked as self-care that can benefit your mental health and provide you with inner peace when you are feeling overwhelmed.
Outline Expectations and Roles
It’s important to set expectations for your role as a caregiver. Whether the person you’re taking care of is mentally or physically ill, disabled, terminally ill, aging, and regardless of your relationship with them, whether they are your aging parents, spouse, sibling, friend, or any kind of relationship, it’s OK to have the conversation with them about what they can expect from you. Be clear about what you’re willing and able to take on and what your limits are and outline those expectations right from the beginning. Throughout the course of your care, make sure you stick to those boundaries and limits. Of course there are times where you’ll need to be flexible, but setting boundaries and honoring yourself is a form of self-care.
It’s also important to know what their needs are. What kind of physical demands are there for the people taking care of them? Do they need constant care or occasional support? When you are both clear about your role and responsibilities, it makes it easier for you to show them and yourself compassion.
Identify the Support Team
Who is part of the support team for the person who needs care? It’s important to identify who else can be a part of the support team. This may include a medical and/or mental health team, home health aides, or other close family members or friends. When there is a team of people involved, and it’s identified right away, it takes the pressure off of you to be the sole caregiver and makes it easier for you to take care of yourself.
Identify YOUR Support Team
It’s not only the person you’re taking care of who needs support. When you’re a caregiver, it can feel overwhelming. Do you have someone you can vent to: a friend, relative, therapist, or support group? When you bottle it up internally, it makes it more difficult to have compassion towards the person you’re taking care of. When you have an outlet and multiple people to talk to, it gives you the space you need to show the person you’re taking care of compassion. When you react with frustration, stress, and anger, it often leads to feelings of guilt or resentment. Self-care includes having a support team for yourself so you can navigate this challenging time.
Schedule Time for Personal Self-Care
When we take care of other people, we often don’t even consider scheduling in time to take care of ourselves. It often gets put on the back burner or is an afterthought. You are allowed to take time out of your week for yourself. One way to ensure you do this regularly, and not just wish you had the time for it, is to schedule it. These can be nurturing activities like taking extra time to make a healthy meal for yourself, going to therapy, getting a massage, going to the movies with friends, or visiting a museum. Arrange care during that time where you can get a physical and mental break and make it a routine, whether it’s weekly or a couple of times a week.
This isn’t about being selfish – it’s to ensure you can continue to provide the best care possible without burning out. Like I said before, you don’t have to be the only person on the support team. Who can cover for you when you need to make time for yourself? It also provides a reliable backup in case something happens and you can’t care for the other person.
Let Go of the Guilt
Don’t feel guilty about taking care of yourself. Part of you being a better caregiver is being able to take those breaks to prevent burn out, not waiting until you are already there. Talk about your self-care, needs, and limits right away with the person you’re caring for and the support team (like other family members and friends). If you want to continue with the fitness classes you’ve been going to, talk about it early on so you can build it into your schedule. Reserve your space and only accept calls for emergencies.
Show Yourself Compassion
Practicing self-compassion will help you shed some of the guilt. Rather than thinking, “I feel so guilty for doing this or being here right now…,” instead say, “I am grateful that I have this time to take care of myself.” Think about how you would want your caregiver to take care of themselves and give yourself grace.
Give yourself grace in knowing that you can’t do everything and can’t necessarily save their life. You don’t have control over their fate and that’s OK, even if it sucks. You have to be OK with that knowing you did everything you could to help while also taking care of yourself. Remember, doing everything you can doesn’t mean self-sacrifice. You shouldn’t harm yourself (mentally or physically) in this process. You’re not superman or superwoman – no one expects you to be.
Sort Out the Legal and Financial Matters
Having clarity when it comes to expectations includes financial and legal matters. If you’re the spouse or next of kin, some of that might be obvious, but it also might not be. And if you have a different relationship with the person you’re taking care of, it can cause a lot of stress not knowing what to expect in the next steps and add burden and anxiety. Have that conversation from the start and make sure the person you’re taking care of has all of their legal and financial stuff sorted out, like power of attorney, a living will, etc. It’s good to know the answers to those questions so you can have peace of mind and know you are making the right choices and doing what is in their best interest when those kinds of decisions arise. This is important to consider in the longevity of your own mental health.
Don’t Take Things Personally
Obviously every situation is different, but you have to recognize that the person you’re caring for may be in a situation that you can’t understand or perhaps your loved one might be struggling with cognitive declines depending on the diagnosis or prognosis at hand. Have compassion and grace with them and try not to take what they’re doing or saying personally. If you are in agonizing frustration and internalizing what they’re doing or saying, it hurts your mental health and goes against your self-care.
Enjoy Your Time with the Person You’re Caring For
It often becomes negative, agonizing, and dreadful every time when all you do is focus on the negative/illness. It doesn’t always have to get down to business. The time you spend with the person doesn’t always have to be about their illness or limitations. Have conversations about uplifting, future-looking, and positive things. It also makes you feel better so you don’t feel like every time you see them it has to be about this awful topic. You can go into it with ease without burdening yourself and it gives you a mental break during your caregiving time. It might also surprise you and give you some joyful memories to look back on in the future.
Take One Step at a Time
Take one step at a time. You don’t have to schedule everything for the next year. There’s going to be questions and uncertainties and that’s OK. Be flexible and adaptable.
You Deserve To Take Care of Yourself
Starting from a framework of self-care will help you go into the situation from a much more peaceful place. It helps shift your mindset going into this and becomes a smaller burden to bear emotionally. Having clear expectations is a big part of self-care people don’t talk about or even pin point.
If you are struggling with setting boundaries, making time for self-care, or feeling overwhelmed as a caregiver, therapy can help. Dr. Heather Violante provides teletherapy (online video therapy) to adults living in Florida and New York, as well as all PsyPact enrolled states (listed below). Contact her online or call (754) 333-1484 to request a HIPAA compliant online therapy session.
Offering Online Therapy in 42 States
I am a licensed psychologist in the states of Florida and New York. Additionally, I have Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) from the PSYPACT Commission. I provide telehealth (online video therapy) to adults living in the 42 participating PSYPACT states listed below. For a list of current PSYPACT participating states, please visit the PSYPACT website at: https://www.psypact.org/psypactmap.
PsyPact enrolled states:
Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming