Does your relationship feel unsatisfying? Do you feel like you’re living with a roommate and not a romantic partner? Are you walking on eggshells around your partner? Whatever the reason may be for why you feel this way and why you are staying in the relationship, it’s important to reflect on what you need and want out of life so you can feel fulfilled.
What Unhealthy Relationships Looks Like
Unhealthy relationships aren’t necessarily toxic, but there could be unhealthy patterns, such as codependency, lack of intimacy, or lack of connection. This can make you feel unsatisfied in the relationship and unfulfilled in general. You might describe it as feeling stuck or stagnant. Or perhaps you and your partner have changed and grown apart. You might have different values and priorities, and instead of nurturing your values, one or both of you put them on the back burner.
When people stay in unfulfilling relationships, codependency is reinforced. Codependency is relying on each other’s behaviors, decisions, and moods to dictate your own. It’s OK if these things happen sometimes – you live together, it’s bound to happen. But when the relationship leaves no room for you to address your own needs and desires and you always look towards validation from your partner, it’s codependency.
If you are unsure if your relationship is healthy and self-empowering, ask yourself these questions:
- Do you look forward to spending time with your partner?
- Does your partner want you to nurture your own values and priorities?
- Does your partner value you for yourself, not just what you contribute or produce?
- Does your partner uplift and empower you?
- Does your partner make you feel like a better person?
- Do you feel like you can be fully open and honest with your partner?
- Is your partner open and honest with you?
- Do you have a sense of independence and identity outside of your relationship?
If you recognize that you are in an unhealthy relationship, or at least an unfulfilling one, it’s important to figure out what is keeping you stuck and self-reflect on how to detach.
Why You Might Stay in an Unfulfilling Relationship
There are many reasons why people continue to stay in a relationship that is unsatisfying. Maybe you’ve been together for a long time and you don’t want to just throw in the towel. Maybe you deeply care for the other person and don’t want to hurt their feelings. You might think, “anyone is better than no one,” but that just isn’t true. Often people are afraid of what will happen if they do leave, even if there’s the possibility that things could be better. This includes:
- Fear of being alone and not having a companion or someone to fall back on.
- Fear that you can’t do things for yourself because you’ve depended on your partner to do things for you for a long time.
- Fear of financial insecurity, especially if your partner is the breadwinner.
- If you have children, fear of being a single parent and having too much responsibility on your own or having a lack of help.
- Fear you won’t have validation or reassurance you get from your partner.
- Fear you’ll never meet anyone else again.
- Fear your intimate/physical and emotional needs won’t be met.
- Fear of losing the convenience of familiarity.
- Fear of what your friends and family will think of you.
- Fear of being single again at this age.
- Fear of losing more than you’re going to gain.
All of these boil down to the same pattern of relying on someone else instead of yourself. A healthy relationship helps support self-strength and security. You have the ability to accomplish all or most of these on your own. Sure, relationships may make these things easier, but the goal is that you can do this on your own. Healthy fulfilling relationships enhance your ability to be independent and self-empowered. And if you are in an unhealthy relationship, it takes away from your ability to be independent and self-empowered.
There’s Power in Being Alone
When you end a relationship, there are a lot of unknowns ahead. But it’s ok to be single, especially if it’s temporary. When you come out of a chronic codependent relationship, it’s a positive to be single for a while. Here are some benefits to being single:
- Gives you a reset to reevaluate your values and priorities.
- Gives you space to deepen your relationship with self.
- You get to do what you want, when you want.
- Allows you to build up intrinsic self-worth and self-confidence.
- You can learn to stand on your own and be self-reliant.
- You become strong and empowered, regardless if someone is there or not.
I once worked with a client who knew she was in an unhealthy relationship, but was afraid to let go and face the unknowns ahead.
“I’m afraid I’m going to lose my friends – they’re going to choose him. I’m afraid of being single in my 60s. How am I going to meet people and date at this age?!”
Through our work together, she became empowered and was able to end the relationship and live a more fulfilling life. At the end of the process of breaking up and learning to live on her own and be independent, she realized she gained more than she lost. Her friends stayed by her side and the ones who didn’t were toxic, so she could let go of them. Those friendships she held onto became stronger. She even became better friends with her husband after they divorced. She gained emotional and financial freedoms that she couldn’t imagine before they split up. She gets to make decisions by and for herself without people pleasing. She had the space to accept even more love in different ways and have her emotional needs met. By intentionally building her community, she was able to have a greater social life with deeper relationships.
Ending a codependent, unfulfilling, and unhealthy relationship creates space for yourself so you can work towards what you really want. It takes time and work, but when you get to that point, your life can be better and more fulfilling.
“I don’t want to date – I’m proud of being single!”
How can ending a relationship really play out? It doesn’t have to be an awful outcome. There will always be a grieving process, but then you start to figure out what works for you, put your needs first, and build new patterns. Through mindfulness and building self-esteem, you can enhance your self-empowerment and learn to rely on yourself. Just don’t hold yourself to a specific timeline. Trust the process.
Therapy Can Empower You to Live a Fulfilling Life
Being single is better than being in an unfulfilling and unhealthy relationship. There’s power in being alone. Therapy can help you become self-empowered and self-reliant and break codependent patterns. When we work together, you learn that being alone is OK. Letting go of an unhealthy relationship can help you find freedom.
Dr. Heather Violante provides teletherapy (online video therapy) to adults living in Florida and New York, as well as all PsyPact enrolled states (listed below). Contact her online or call (754) 333-1484 to request a HIPAA compliant online therapy session.
Offering Online Therapy Across the Country
I am a licensed psychologist in the states of Florida and New York. Additionally, I have Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) from the PSYPACT Commission. I provide telehealth (online video therapy) to adults living in participating PSYPACT states. For a list of current PSYPACT participating states, please visit the PSYPACT website at: https://www.psypact.org/psypactmap.