The holidays are meant to be a time for peace, joy, and love. But when you have difficult or contentious relationships, it can really damper your spirit. We all have a family member, colleague, or acquaintance that we don’t particularly care for, but thankfully we don’t have to deal with them every day. There will always be people in our lives whom we don’t see eye to eye with – maybe you had a conflict that has never been resolved or this is someone with differing political views. Whatever the reason for your dislike, you might be obligated to see them or will likely run into them at a gathering when the holidays roll around. While you might not be able to avoid them at all costs, there are things you can do to reduce stress, brighten the holidays, and protect your peace.
9 ways to navigate complicated relationships so you can still enjoy the holidays:
1. Don’t go. You don’t have to attend every single gathering or event. If someone you don’t like is going to be at a small gathering, it may be difficult to avoid them. So ask yourself, “Do I really need to go?” Is it possible to arrange another gathering with the other people you do want to see? If you are close with the host, talk to them in advance and explain that you don’t feel comfortable going. Find something else to do for the holidays that nurtures your inner peace.
2. If you do go, do the mental and emotional work before you go. Sometimes, even if you really don’t like a particular person, you might decide you do want to go to the event or gathering anyway. Whether it’s out of obligation, respect for your elders, or you genuinely want to be there, it’s a good idea to prepare yourself ahead of time so you can enjoy yourself.
Find out who’s going to the party, but don’t over think it, become anxious, or try to plan for every outcome or scenario that may arise when interacting with the person or people you don’t like. Focus on the other people you do want to see and what’s healthy. Come up with ideas that may be a good distraction and that won’t ruin the whole day for everyone involved, including yourself.
3. Align yourself with someone you trust. Tell that person in advance what’s going on and let them know that you’re going to avoid conversations with the person you have a difficult relationship with. You might need to find your ally during the party to help calm you down or offer a positive distraction. Ask them in advance if they’ll step in when you need rescuing and or help steer a conversation in a healthier direction.
4. Set boundaries with yourself. During the holidays, people often put their own needs aside in order to please others, but it’s just as important, if not more so, to stick to your boundaries and do what’s right for you. Don’t feel pressured into doing something you aren’t comfortable with, despite what others around you want. Take time to reflect on how you feel – if you told yourself you’d stay for the whole party, you’re allowed to change your mind and leave early if you want to. Don’t be a people-pleaser if it means crossing your own boundaries.
5. Set boundaries with others. Family members and friends might not understand your boundaries or think you are being disrespectful, but remember that the whole point of setting boundaries and making a plan is to protect your mental health and show everyone (including yourself) respect. If you are honest, thoughtful, and caring, the important people in your life will respect that.While at the party, if someone brings up something that is controversial, hurtful, or intended to provoke you, calmly say that this topic is off the table. “This is a holiday celebration and I don’t want to go there. We’re not talking about it to respect everyone else here.” If they ignore you and keep talking, walk away and find your ally. Let people know what you are not OK with and that your intentions are to have a good time. Recognize when things get heated and when you need to step away. You have every right to leave early or talk it through with your ally rather than feel like you’re alone or being attacked. Maybe find an excuse (or prepare one in advance) to dip out gracefully from the situation.
6. Know your triggers. Don’t wait until you are deep in conversation at the party to realize what topics are triggering. Just seeing the person might be a trigger and you’ll want to lash out. Be aware of the triggers, topics, digs, or comments that will instigate an emotional response and take them as a cue to take a deep breath, excuse yourself, take a stroll, drink some water, connect with your ally, and then come back to the room and sit as far away as possible from the person you don’t like. If it’s really contentious, let the host know in advance that you don’t feel comfortable sitting next to that person. Take deep breaths and look inside yourself to find inner peace.
7. Reframe your relationships. When you try to fix the person or the situation, it can lead to feeling more lonely because you’ll end up pushing people away. Try to reframe how you feel about that person or your family. If you have differing view points, think about how they show up for you in other ways. How do you show up for them? When you can redefine the nature of those relationships and what is important about them, you can gain value from them.But remember, you don’t have to rely on your family or that group of people to not feel lonely. Instead of trying to connect with people who don’t want to listen to you or value you for who you are, you can reduce your loneliness by putting effort into other areas of your life and with other people who do build connection and respect.
8. Be emotionally prepared. Do something that morning or before the party that is relaxing. Set time to get your nervous system regulated so you’re going into the evening in a much calmer state so you have a broader window of tolerance to deal with people you don’t like. When you come in hot because you’ve been rushing around or focusing on dread, you’re easily triggered.If you feel like there’s no way you can manage your emotions around this person, don’t go. But if you do decide to go, it’s important to be able to find your inner peace. Remind yourself ahead of time that if you find yourself becoming agitated at the party, remember to take deep breaths, go for a walk, drink water, and find your ally so you don’t become the instigator and the one who is confrontational. Do the work ahead of time to be respectful of the host and other attendees.
9. Remind yourself of the point of the holidays and why you are going. What’s the point of the holiday? Why is everyone getting together? If it helps, write it down: mindfulness, gratitude, peace, love, and joy. Remember to respect your space and the space of others. Holiday gatherings are not the time or place to work through conflict or air grievances. It’s about peace, family, friendship, and eating good food! Set yourself up with the intentions of going into the party with that mindset. If you don’t set the intentions ahead of time, you’ll run the risk of ruining it for everyone else. Being emotionally responsible for what you put out there and what you take on.
You Don’t Have to Figure Out Difficult Relationships Alone
Even though the holidays are meant to be a time of peace and joy, difficult relationships can often get in the way of your inner peace. Therapy can help you reframe your mindset, redefine your relationships, and help you let go of what’s causing inner turmoil so you can enjoy the holidays. Dr. Heather Violante provides teletherapy (online video therapy) to adults living in Florida and New York, as well as all PsyPact enrolled states (listed below). Contact her online or call (754) 333-1484 to request a HIPAA compliant online therapy session.
Offering Online Therapy Across the Country
I am a licensed psychologist in the states of Florida and New York. Additionally, I have Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) from the PSYPACT Commission. I provide telehealth (online video therapy) to adults living in participating PSYPACT states. For a list of current PSYPACT participating states, please visit the PSYPACT website at: https://www.psypact.org/psypactmap.