Do you have a loved one with a drug, alcohol, or gambling addiction? Whether it’s your spouse or partner, a family member, or a friend, it can greatly impact your life and well being. When you are caring for someone else – whether it’s because of addiction or not – it can be easy to put your needs on the back burner. Although the person you care about is the one suffering from addiction, it’s important to prioritize your mental and physical health. One way to do that is to set healthy boundaries.
It’s OK to Put Yourself First
If you have been trying to help your loved one break a drug or alcohol addiction, but it’s not working, you have every right to feel frustrated. But when it starts to leave you feeling more than just frustrated – exhausted, hopeless, helpless, out of control, or depressed – it’s time you put yourself first. Focus on self-care and get the help you need to cope.
Their Addiction is Not Your Fault
No matter what happened in your life or theirs, you did not cause their addiction, nor are you responsible for their health. They made – and continue to make – their own choices, so the only thing you can do is the same. They may blame you for their problems and avoid taking accountability for their actions. But remember, you are not the cause of or responsible for the other person’s health. Whatever happens to them was caused by their decisions and actions. You have to take that responsibility off of yourself. Blaming yourself only feeds into the addiction by taking the accountability for their actions away from them.
You Can’t Fix Them – They Have to Fix Themselves
You can’t fix or rescue people if they are refusing any willingness to help themselves. Like the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink. There is only so much you can do to support a loved one with addiction. If you try to fix them, you’ll end up spending all of your time addressing their needs while your health declines and needs go unmet. While it may feel like you are abandoning them if you back off, they have to be the one to make positive changes and take control of their own life.
Save Yourself
Sometimes you just have to save yourself. If they go down when you are with them, you go down too. They are choosing to throw their life away but you don’t have to. It’s a domino effect that you feed into when you enable them.
You can love that person, whether they’re your partner, adult child, or friend, and also set boundaries. If it’s your partner who has an addiction, deciding to leave them can feel tough – or even impossible. But it only gets more difficult and complicated as time goes on if they’re refusing to seek or accept help.
If you are thinking, “I don’t want to turn my back on them because they need my help.” ask yourself, “are they accepting my help?” Accepting your help looks like: agreeing to go to AA or NA, going to therapy, going to couples counseling, and changing their behaviors. They don’t have to do every single thing you are asking of them, but they do have to follow through with actionable steps towards recovery. If they are only saying they will do those things and not changing their behavior at all, they are saying what they think you want them to hear and not actually accepting your help.
Express Your Intentions
The trust in the relationship has been eliminated. Deception and betrayal have taken over and that has to stop. They can no longer take advantage of the people in their lives that care about them. Otherwise, the addiction gets worse, relationships suffer, and your own health and well-being decline.
When setting boundaries, express your intentions: You want to get them the right help. You want them to be safe. You want them to immediately stop the behavior to maintain safety and find stability.
Boundaries are not the same as ultimatums. Boundaries are about protecting your health and well-being, not about being punitive. Make it clear that you want them to go to AA, a 12-step program, therapy, rehab, or any combination because you want them to succeed. Tell them, “I am not going to continue to provide for you if you don’t take action to change. Watching you hurt yourself hurts me. It’s bleeding me dry emotionally and/or financially.”
What Enabling Addiction Looks Like
When you think of enabling, you may think it looks like handing someone with an alcohol addiction a drink, inviting them out to a bar, or not intervening when you know someone has a problem. But enabling can also come from a well-meaning place. With parents of an adult child or a spouse, enabling often looks like paying all of the bills, allowing that person to live with you rent-free, not expecting them to contribute in any way, staying married to them even if you are miserable and they don’t respect you, or not cutting off resources. You may worry that if you kick them out of the house, divorce them, or cut them off financially that they could end up homeless, in jail, or dead and it would be your fault. But if you are spending your money to take care of them and supplying their resources which hasn’t changed the situation, why would they change? Funding their behavior is funding their addiction. You can’t expect them to change if you don’t change.
Often people are in denial that they are feeding and fueling their loved one’s addiction. You may feel like you have a duty to protect them, especially parents, but by not setting boundaries you are actively feeding their problems. Letting them fall and live on the street goes against the idea of protection as a child, it goes against every narrative as a parent, but so does enabling their addiction. Again, you are not causing their addiction, but by not enforcing rules and setting boundaries for yourself you are fueling it.
They have to hit rock bottom and feel it, otherwise they will keep taking what they can get and living off what you give them, thus, feeding their addiction. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for their behavior as long as you choose to not enable them, especially if they refuse the help, refuse to take accountability, and refuse to change their behavior. Of course you love this person and worry about their future. Of course you don’t want the worst-case scenario for them. But enabling them by not setting boundaries enables addiction and ultimately does lead to a worse situation.
Set Tough Boundaries
It can be difficult to set – and stick to – boundaries. Although it’s easier said than done, setting tough boundaries isn’t about turning your back on your loved one, it’s about prioritizing your needs and letting them face the consequences of their addiction (with the hopes that they will change their behaviors). The boundaries have to be tough. You want them to do well and don’t want to kick them while they’re down, but they have to accept the right kind of help.
Tell them you won’t fuel their addiction anymore and they have a chance to make positive changes. They can choose to take this opportunity or not, and if they don’t, lay out the consequences (e.g., cutting them off financially and finding their own place to live). After they have taken those steps – and not just saying they will – they can reach back out.
Brace Yourself for a Fallout
When you set and enforce boundaries, recognize that the person with addiction might hate you in the moment. If they are angry or hate you, it’s the addiction talking and not the person themselves. The real person is hiding under the addiction, but that angry response means you’re not willing to fuel their addiction and they know it. When you stop inadvertently feeding their addiction, they will take it out on you, but it will pass. That person will eventually realize you did what you had to do to save their life.
Stepping away after setting and enforcing boundaries doesn’t mean you are a horrible person. It means being supportive, thoughtful, and caring. It’s not walking away from the person you love, you’re walking away from the situation and feeding into the addiction. But you have to brace for the fallout and the reality that their situation may never get better and only worse. But remember, you are not giving up on the person for doing that. You are helping them and yourself. It’s a hard mental road block to overcome because it can feel like abandonment, but it’s what is needed to encourage them to change.
You Deserve to Live a Fulfilling Life
When you are taking care of a loved one with an addiction, it’s easy to forget that you need support, too. Remember that it is OK to put yourself first. You may feel guilty for allowing your loved one to hit rock bottom, but therapy can help you let go of the guilt so you can take care of your well-being. Dr. Heather Violante offers compassionate and judgment-free teletherapy (online video therapy) to adults living in Florida and New York, as well as all PsyPact enrolled states. Contact her online or call (754) 333-1484 to request a HIPAA compliant online therapy session.
In addition to therapy, Al-Anon is highly recommended as an additional support for loved ones of those struggling with addiction as it promotes a sense of community and safe space to gain further education on addiction and learn tools for eliminating codependency and enabling behaviors.
Offering Online Therapy Across the Country
I am a licensed psychologist in the states of Florida and New York. Additionally, I have Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) from the PSYPACT Commission. I provide telehealth (online video therapy) to adults living in participating PSYPACT states. For a list of current PSYPACT participating states, please visit the PSYPACT website at: https://www.psypact.org/psypactmap.