It’s common for people to feel disappointed with others… and then to hold it in. You may fear that expressing yourself will offend, upset, or anger the other person. Or you would rather avoid confrontation altogether. Maybe you worry that by expressing your disappointment, you will hurt their feelings and alienate them or fear that this could even end your relationship with them. But it’s important to remember that your feelings matter; you deserve to share them and have them heard and respected. Expressing yourself in a clear, direct, and straightforward way with good intentions can lead to a healthier and deeper relationship down the road.
How Bottling Up Your Disappointment Can Hurt You
Holding in your disappointment is often misconstrued for kindness. You don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, but at what cost? When your emotional needs aren’t met, you aren’t honoring or nurturing your own values, priorities, and hopes. Bottling up disappointment is a form of people-pleasing that can lead to anxiety, depression, resentment, and disingenuous relationships. Eventually this can turn into conflict (even if the whole point of keeping your feelings to yourself was to avoid conflict) because everyone has their limits. While you might think that avoiding conflict is protecting the other person and the relationship, it ends up hurting you and actually jeopardizing the relationship
Finding the Courage to Express Disappointment
It’s not easy to express your feelings in general, especially when you are disappointed in another person. Approach the conversation with good intentions, careful consideration, and a plan to move the relationship forward in a positive direction. Remember, the whole point of expressing yourself is to have your needs met and improve the relationship. When people love and care for you, they will more likely try to understand where you are coming from and would want you to feel better along with wanting to improve their relationship with you.
You Are Not Responsible For Other People’s Emotions
If you share your feelings and disappointment in a respectful manner with genuine intentions, remember that you are not responsible for other people’s emotions or how they react. They are adults who are responsible for themselves and how they behave, just like you are responsible for yourself. If you are respectful in how you approach the conversation, that’s all you can do. You can’t control what they say or do in response to you trying to do what’s best for you and your relationship. If you are effectively communicating in a direct, honest, and caring way, it won’t lead to conflict if it’s a healthy relationship at its core. You are not responsible for pleasing others or agreeing with others’ opinions at all times if it jeopardizes your own needs and wellbeing.
Creating a Balanced Relationship
Part of being in a healthy relationship is being able to express your feelings, including disappointment. All feelings are valid, and so it’s important to express them in a way that doesn’t offend or alienate the other person; instead, it allows for open, honest conversations that create a balanced and healthier relationship. Also give the other person permission to express their feelings – including their disappointment. They may have had the same mentality about bottling it up in order to protect you as well.
Set Healthy Boundaries
You may have heard again and again that it’s important to set healthy boundaries. But it’s also important to remember that healthy relationships are also about having balanced boundaries. You don’t want too many boundaries because that could lead to you being too protective, rigid, and not open enough to deepen the relationship. If you don’t have enough boundaries, you are letting the other person (or their emotions) dictate the relationship, whether you mean to or not. Sometimes you have to make concessions, and sometimes you have to put your own needs first. Both of you should have similar boundaries that support the relationship and promote each other’s emotional and mental health overall.
Prioritize Your Emotional Well-Being
People who love you don’t want to see you suffer because you’re bottling up your feelings. You deserve to prioritize your physical, mental, and emotional health. If you are struggling with expressing your disappointment and feelings in general, therapy can help you find the courage to share your feelings, desires, and needs.
Dr. Heather Violante provides teletherapy (online video therapy) to adults living in Florida and New York, as well as all PsyPact enrolled states. Contact her online or call (754) 333-1484 to request a HIPAA compliant online therapy session.
Offering Online Therapy Across the Country
I am a licensed psychologist in the states of Florida and New York. Additionally, I have Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) from the PSYPACT Commission. I provide telehealth (online video therapy) to adults living in participating PSYPACT states. For a list of current PSYPACT participating states, please visit the PSYPACT website at: https://www.psypact.org/psypactmap.